Completely and Utterly Mad
by penaschmidt
Summary: James Diamond has just been released from a four month stay at a mental hospital after attempting suicide and a bout of depression. He leaves the hospital with the hope of finally making some real friends and becoming normal. He gets a little more than he bargained for. WARNING: strong themes and some minor course language.
1. Big Wide World

**I have recently turned to the dark side and joined yet another fandom. And what happens when I join another fandom, I imagine it with Big Time Rush characters instead. I need help. Anyway, so I watched My Mad Fat Diary when it originally aired early last year, but I recently re watched it and I've fallen deeper and so in the anticipation of series 2, I wondered what it would be like if one of the boys were 'mad' and how the story would go in Big Time Rush land. Three hours later, I had this spewed out. I'm pretty much going to do the chapters episode by episode of the show just for convenience sake, I am going to try my best to make it different from the show so its not ripping it off and those who've watched it don't know what's going to happen, but there are a lot of scenes and lines that I LOVE to death and couldn't bare to leave out. So, essay over, Enhoy! **

"Hi, I'm Doctor Wainwright, your new therapist, but you can call me Kelly. James isn't it?" An unfamiliar woman introduced herself and stuck her hand out for me to shake as I walked into therapy a week after I had been discharged from the hospital.

"Where's Dr Talibet?" I questioned, completely ignoring her offer to shake my hand.

She dropped her hand and rubbed them on her thighs with a sigh. "He had to take some leave" she answered.

I slumped down on my regular beanbag and started picking at my nails like I did every session, I didn't really like to talk much. Kelly sat down in the beanbag across from me and just stared at me.

"So, James, how does it feel to be out of the hospital?" she asked after a few beats of silence. I shrugged my shoulders. As I said, I don't like to talk much. Truth be told I didn't know what I was feeling. I had just spent the last four months institutionalised for doing something really stupid. I had tried to kill myself. And as it turns out when you're rushed in an ambulance to the hospital with self-inflicted wounds on your stomach bleeding out, you get sent to the crazy ward after they fix you up.

"Are you always this quiet?" I shrugged again.

"You know, there is a theory that you can discern the majority of a person's characteristics in the first 5 seconds of meeting them, what do your instincts tell you about me?" she asked.

I scoffed. What did she expect me to say? "My instincts say that you have lipstick on your teeth" I told her. After all that was all I could tell after knowing her for 5 seconds.

She gave a sarcastic chuckle and wiped the lipstick off her teeth with her finger. "So, what have you been up to since you left?" she asked _another _question.

"Not much" I shrugged. And okay that was a _complete _lie. I had in fact been up to quite a bit. Let me start from Day 1: Freedom.

...

"Jamie, are you scared about leaving?" Katie, a young girl who had become like a little sister to me in my four month stay here asked me.

"A little bit"

"I think you'll be alright. I have complete faith in you"

That statement alone eased my nerves if only slightly. Katie meant a whole lot to me. She had had a pretty messed up life and I didn't blame her for going a bit mad. If I had been treated like she had I would probably be even more mental. Most people would think it weird or even perverted that a 17 year old boy was best friends with a 14 year old girl, but it wasn't like that. I had always just gotten along more with girls than I had with boys and there was only one other person here my age, his name was guitar dude and he was even madder than the both of us but he was our friend too. And it wasn't perverted, because I'm not even attracted to girls, never have been. And the fact that not many people in this town seem to like that is part of the reason I ended up in this place.

"But what if…what if I can't be out there, what if it's too much" I asked Katie, my nerves returning with a vengeance.

"Then, you count to ten and take deep breaths until you're okay." It seemed so simple, counting and breathing, like any dumbass could do it. But in reality I knew that sometimes that didn't always work.

"I'm really gonna miss seeing you everyday" I told her. I knew that I could visit her anytime I wanted but it wouldn't be the same.

"I'll miss you too, but you're going to make loads of new friends, the sane kind. And who knows, maybe you'll find a sexy boy toy to rip your teeth into". I laughed at her. As if I was going to make new friends, let alone get a sexy boy toy. She looked at me and gave me a hospital band with the words 'Dear Jamie, Good luck, Love Katie Kat. When I smiled at her in thanks, she smiled back with a "Go".

I walked outside to go wait for my mum who was picking me up. As soon as I walked outside though, it started to feel real and panic set in. What was I doing? I wasn't ready for this? How could I have possibly thought I was going to be okay on my own? I ran into a phone booth on the side and held my arms up on the door; a technique Dr Talibat had shown me for when I have panic attacks. It wasn't working, so I put the 40c into the phone and dialled the number to Katie's room.

She answered instantly and then I looked up I saw her looking out the window down at me with a look on her face that read 'I knew you were going to call as soon as you walked outside'. "Hey" she greeted.

"I can't do it, I'm not ready, I can't be alone" I freaked.

"You can do it. And you're not alone. You've got your mum, your friends."

"You're my friend."

She sighed. "You will be fine James, hang up the phone, close your eyes and count to ten and go and wait for your mum".

I did as she said and it somewhat calmed me down. Enough to go outside and wait for my mum anyway. I spent a good 45 minutes worrying about what I was going to do now that I was out, because as usual, my mum was late. When I finally saw her car, I stormed over to it, getting in and slamming the door, giving my mum a look of anger.

"Well _hello _to you to James, I'm sorry, I got held up, I was only 10 minutes late." She defended herself.

"45" I mumbled under my breath.

"So, how are you feeling about being out then?" she asked me. Oh great, more questions I didn't want to answer, just like the ones Dr Talibat always asked me. And I shrugged at her, just like I always shrugged at him.

"I'm not trying to bother you Jamie, I just want to know how you're feeling" she continued.

"I'm fine, I'm a lot better now" I lied. I mean, I was better, but I was far from fine.

"Alright then" she sighed and we continued the drive home in silence. Much to her dismay.

5 minutes before we reached home, a bunch of teenagers rode past on scooters. They stopped in front of us waiting for the cars to go past. And on the back of one of the scooters, I saw her. Shit, not now, I wasn't in the mood for this. All I could think was _for the love of all that is Mike, do NOT turn around. _I willed my thoughts to happen, hoped with everything I had, she wouldn't notice me.

"Is that Lucy?" I heard my mother ask. Oh God, please don't honk your horn or call for her out the window. Now I had another person's actions I needed to be weary of. Thankfully, mum must of noticed I didn't want to talk to her, so said nothing. Unfortunately for me, Lucy did turn around and despite my best efforts to remain concealed; I heard her confused voice, "James?" I couldn't ignore her, that would be rude, and I didn't want her know I was trying to avoid her, so I gave a small wave out the window. She hopped off the back of the scooter and started walking towards our car and tapped on my window. God dammit. I looked over at my mother and said "Don't be weird". She just rolled her eyes at me and I got out of the car.

"Hey" she greeted as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "I missed ya, how was France?"

France, I thought to myself. What the hell did she mean France? Oh God, mum must have told everyone I was in France on vacation or something. "Uh yeah, it was great, so much fun" I lied for the umpteenth time today.

"Great, that's great. So listen, I've been hanging out with this new group lately, they're really great, were gonna head up to the bar later on if you wanna join us. I mean, sometimes we manage to sneak in, otherwise we go hang out behind the fire hall."

I looked over at her friends on the scooters, who were all staring back at me. That's when I saw him. The hottest human being to ever grace the planet. He was small, but I liked my men like that. With short brown hair I just wanted to latch my fingers into and deep brown eyes boring into my soul. I wanted to lick that little mole right of his face and do unimaginable things to that hot piece of…

"James!"

I looked over at Lucy, not realising I had completely zoned out whilst staring at the Latino sex God and completely forgot to answer her question. I didn't know whether I should go. I mean, I had just been released from a mental hospital 1 hr earlier, was I ready to go straight back into the world of 'hanging out'. But Lucy had been my best friend before all of this and I couldn't just turn her down without good reason. And suddenly I remembered what Katie had said before I left, _you'll make loads of new friends. _If I wanted to make some friends, I had to start now. Before I had time to talk myself out of it, I told Lucy I would be there. I told her that I would just have to unpack my bags from 'France' and that I would be there later and walked back to the car, almost in utter horror.

"She's grown up hasn't she? Puberty did her well. Maybe I can get her to model some of my products." There my mother was at it again. She owned a cosmetic company and was always after new young faces to model her goods. I rolled my eyes at her and just begged for her to continue the drive home.

I arrived at the bar an hour later. Surprisingly getting in very easily, apparently during the day, it wasn't so hard. I saw Lucy's friends sitting down at a table and Lucy was coming up to me.

"Hey, you made it. Great! So, listen, these guys are sorta exclusive, so if they don't accept you straight away don't take it personally or anything, they're just like that"

This did nothing for my nerves. Great. They were exclusive, they probably weren't going to want to be my friend and that mean that Lucy, the one friend I did have in the outside world wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore either. We walked over to the table together and I felt like I was gonna throw up from the nerves I was feeling.

"Everyone, this is James. James, this is Camille, Logan, Kendall and Carlos" she introduced as she went around the table pointing to the person as she said their name. Carlos. His name was Carlos. The beautiful being from earlier was Carlos. God, even his name was sexy.

"Hey" they all chorused virtually simultaneously. I took a seat on the end, a seat that happened to be right next to Carlos. And oh my God, was I sweating, could people tell how much I wanted to devour him right then and there. But who was I kidding, he probably wasn't even gay, let alone would he ever be interested in me. Nobody's interested in me, and he is like looking at porn. Evidently I had spent some time thinking about doing inappropriate things to this boy because I didn't notice anyone talking to me until I heard Lucy say "James, Logan asked you if you wanted a drink, he knows people so he can get them here"

"Um, no thanks, I don't drink." I replied.

"Really?" Carlos asked me. Oh shit, was I supposed to drink? Did this make me not cool? Was I not going to be accepted into the group now? You've done it now James, now they're never going to like you.

"Well I mean y-y-yeah, I do, I just don't drink during the day that's all." I stuttered, again with the lies James. God, I really need to learn how to control my mouth. They all nodded at me. Okay, maybe I'd saved my-self with that one. Well done James, two for you.

"Hey everyone, Kendall's on" I heard Carlos say. Apparently in my fantasy a la Carlos I also hadn't noticed that Kendall had left the table and was now getting up on the stage, throwing his guitar strap over his shoulder, getting ready to play a song. He introduced himself to the audience and started playing a song he said was an original. He could really play, and sing to. I had to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I also play and sing a little to, so I liked to think I knew what I was talking about when it came to music. But despite his decent looks and quite skilled musicianship, all I could think about while he was playing was how it would feel to serenade Carlos with this song. And then we would end up on the bed, him buried balls deep up my ass. I had an internal struggle attempting to focus my eyes on Kendall's performance and to not look back and see Carlos' reaction to the words in the song. _Pull yourself together James, dammit. _

It was rude of me to think, but as much as Kendall's performance was good, I was glad when it was over, because it meant I could turn back around and make glances at Carlos a lot sneakier then completely turning my head around to look at him.

"You were great Kendall" I complimented him when he sat back down. I don't even know where that came from, but he smiled with thanks in return so I guess it had been a good move. Another point to James.

"Hey Kendall, go change the song on the jukebox, this is shit" Carlos requested, while sliding the coin over to Kendall. Music. This was it. My chance to prove my worth to the group. To impress Carlos. This is where I shined. I intercepted the coin and told them both I would pick a song. They both looked at me with doubt but I reassured them I would pick a good song and Carlos reluctantly let me have the coin. I walked over to the jukebox reminding myself to not fuck up. This was my chance; I needed to pick a good song. And pick a good song I did. I turned around with a smug look on my face as I walked back to the table. Everything was coming up Millhouse.

"Not bad Jake" Kendall complimented. I frowned.

"It's James, you spaz" Carlos whispered, lightly shoving Kendall in the side. And that made Kendall forgetting my name all better, because who cared who Kendall thought I was, Carlos remembered my name and he liked the song I picked. Case for group membership officially established.

"Oh, sorry, I mean James" Kendall amended himself, both of them not realising I had heard Carlos correct Kendall.

"So, everybody listen" Lucy called, gaining everybody's attention. "As you all know, I just moved into the new Palmwoods apartments and my parents have said that I can host a party to celebrate the new place. And it's official, there's a pool!"

Crap. Shit. Damn. Poop. Fuck. And every other synonym for words that meant WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!? Pool party. That meant swimming. Which meant shirtless James. Which was the last thing I wanted to do in front of my new friends right now. I had just made an effort to get them to like me and this was going to screw things up. Maybe I could just not go? No! James, you can't be weird, you've got to be normal. Maybe they won't even notice if you don't go swimming. Maybe they won't notice if you wear a shirt in the water. Okay, no, not that one. Maybe they won't notice if you don't go swimming. Yeah, that one definitely sounds more plausible.

Everyone got all hyped up about the news of the pool party and then Logan offered me a drink with the words "it's night time now my friend, you want one". I took it from his hand and skulled the lot. Wow. Drinking was intense. After everyone had a few more drinks and the night wore on we decided to head home. I felt elated; all thoughts of being in a mental hospital less than 12 hours prior were gone. Maybe I could get away with this. Them thinking I was normal. This was it, I was hanging around cool people, for once I didn't feel like an absolute weirdo. I followed the gang out of the bar with a smile on my face.

"There you are Jake, hey, can you take a photo of us" Kendall asked, once again getting my name wrong. And I didn't even care that he got my name wrong. I took the Polaroid and laughed as it came out and I saw it.

"Logan, your big head barely makes it into the picture" I joked. And everyone laughed. They laughed at my joke. Carlos laughed. He thought I was funny. This was going to be the best summer ever.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like shit. I am never drinking again. My brain felt like the chest of King Kong and it was getting a beating. What the hell was I thinking? I had to go find my swim trunks, the pool party was this afternoon. I wasn't planning on swimming, but I had to at least look like I was. I dragged myself out of bed to go searching for them. After a dreaded 2 hours looking for something I hadn't worn in years, hoping they still fit, I put them on and decided to take a nap before I had to leave.

When I arrived at the Palmwoods, everyone was in the pool already. Thankfully, as Lucy had told me, because the place was so new, there wasn't really many residents and so we had the pool to ourselves today. I sat on the edge of the pool with my legs dipped in and shirt thankfully on. Nobody seemed to notice that I wasn't going in and that I was thankful for. Until Lucy swam over to the edge of the pool, looking up at me.

"What are you doing? Why aren't you swimming?"

"I just don't feel like it" I shrugged.

"Do you want them to think you're weird? Look, you did good last night, they liked you, and I want you to be able to be friends with my friends, so don't screw it up yeah?"

I thought about what she said. Maybe they would notice that I came to a pool party and refused to swim. I didn't want them to think I was weird. So I considered my options. If I took off my shirt and got into the pool quick enough and made sure I stayed under the water, then they wouldn't see anything. So after Lucy swam away, I waited for the perfect moment when they were all distracted with their game to notice me getting in. I quickly stood up to take my shirt off and threw it on the beach chair, but in my haste to jump into the pool without them noticing, I slipped and fell flat on my butt.

Everyone heard the thud and turned around, facing me. And there I was, completely exposed. Everyone could see the scars lining my chest and abdomen. Oh god, I had blown it. All eyes were on me, all eyes were on my disgrace. Carlos' brown orbs pierced me like a knife. I could feel his judgement. He thought I was crazy, I knew it. It felt like hours before I finally worked up the courage to say something to try and distract them from my imperfections. "Man, I am such a klutz, I fall over _all _the time" I braved, hoping it would make them ignore the scars, think they were from something entirely different, like me apparently falling over all the time or something. It took a minute, but then Logan started to laugh. "You're an idiot, get in the water" he said as he pulled my legs into the water and dunked me under. And then everyone laughed and it was alright again. I managed to survive the rest of the day without looking like a complete knob head. And I had fun. Which was a foreign thought for me. Fun. I hadn't felt like this in a long time.

…

"So, you met up with an old friend, who introduced you to some new friends and you went to a pool party? That's it?" Kelly asked me.

"Yeah, that's it" I shrugged.

"Alright then, our hour is up, see you on Friday"

I walked out of the room smiling. Maybe Kelly was alright, after all she did seem nice. And maybe, just maybe, I could be _normal. _

**And there I give you chapter 1. Hope you liked it. **

**Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


	2. Touched

**This isn't turning out how I wanted it to at all, but nonetheless I will continue it because I would hate myself if I didn't. I just really have trouble with tenses, especially when I am writing in first person P.O.V and its something I hope to improve on but yeah, sorry. Enhoy!**

"So, I started dating this new guy" Lucy excitedly revealed to me as we were walking down the street together to meet up with everyone at the bar.

"Oh really, who?"

"Well, I can't tell you ya know. We kind of want it to be a secret and stuff. But I think he might be the one. Like I think I'm ready to go all the way with this guy". I scoffed at this. It was so like Lucy. She had a new boyfriend every week, she always had. And suddenly this guy was the 'one'. Pfft, yeah right Lucy, if this guy wants to keep your relationship a secret, he's just using you for sex.

"What was that for, you don't have to act so jealous" she retaliated.

"Jealous? What am I jealous of?" So maybe I was a little jealous. I had never been in a relationship myself and the only people I had ever kissed were girls that I had no attraction to. It seemed like I was the only gay guy in town. But then again, I wasn't exactly out, so maybe there was some other guys still hiding away in the closet.

"James, my cousin's gay too, so I understand"

I spat out the drink I was drinking. She knew I was gay?! And what did her cousin have to do with anything? I supposed it shouldn't surprise me that she knew. People always assumed that I was gay, I was always called faggot, fudge packer, queer, you name it. The thing is, I spent a lot of time denying these things, to them, and to myself. I guess Lucy never believed my denial. And right in that moment, I realised that denying it now would do no good, she knew, she had known all along.

"So, how did you know?" I asked her.

"Jamie, please, I've known you since we were four. You can't lie to me anymore than you can lie to yourself. But as I was saying. I understand. There is like zero gay guys here and the guys here don't like that kind of stuff. It sucks, but that's just the way it is when you live in a small town". I had thought about what Lucy said on multiple occasions. She was right. Small towns weren't the place for people like me. I needed to move somewhere like San Francisco or Los Angeles if I was ever going to find someone.

"Yeah, I guess you're right Luce" We remained silent after that.

…

"Heyyyy. Luce, James. You're late." He finally remembered my name. Does this mean that I'm in the group now? Now that everyone knows my name. Oh God James shut up, they know the names of people they hate too. I'm so stupid.

"Hey" both Lucy and I replied. We took our seats down at the table and I had completely unintentionally sat myself right across from Carlos and when I looked up at him he gave me a warm smile in greeting. I almost melted. This guy was going to kill me. The way his teeth are so shiny and perfectly straight and his eyes light up when he smiles….James, _no_! You have to stop thinking about him like this, it's _never _going to happen.

"So, James, my man" Logan pulled me out of my reverie. I looked up at him, showing I was listening. "Thursday afternoon, guy time, Carlos, Kendall, you and I. No chicks allowed" He looked at Camille as he said this and she rolled her eyes in return. Those two I swear. They were both so blind. They were clearly meant for each other. "Meet us behind the fire hall at 3. You in?"

Hang out with the guys without Lucy. Could I even do that? Would she be mad at me? I mean they were her friends. But wait, does this mean they are my friends now too? I'm not just Lucy's friend James that tags along. Oh crap, they were all looking at me, I was taking too long to answer again. I really have to stop with these internal dialogues. "Um…yeah, sounds good. I'll be there." I don't know what I had got myself into. I couldn't do this. Hang out with 3 attractive guys with nobody else around. What am I going to wear? I have to look good for Carlos. I mean, just look good for…well, for Carlos.

After another afternoon and evening spent with the gang, Lucy and I walked home together. I had to think of a way to get her to go shopping with me without sounding like I just wanted a new outfit for my hang out with the guys. "Hey, Luce, on my flight back from France, my entire luggage got lost, so I don't have many clothes left, do you want to come shopping with me tomorrow morning?" I hoped my lie had sounded convincing. Then again, why wouldn't it. She _did _think I had been in France for the last four months.

"Sure, I'll come get you at 9" she answered as she headed in the direction of her house and waved goodbye. Okay, so that worked. Now I just have to find the perfect outfit to impress Carlos, even if he was impossible to get.

…

I heard a loud knock on my door the next morning. "Yo, James, hurry up, we're burning daylight here".

I walked down the stairs somewhat slowly just to annoy her. I hate it when people rush me. "Jeeze Lucy, I'm coming, why are you in such a hurry?" I asked her as I opened the door and called out to my mum that I was going out. Last night she had told me she was concerned that I was doing too much too fast since my release so I wanted to get out before she could give me a lecture on why I needed to slow down a little bit.

"I'm meeting up with my boyfriend later so I gotta be quick" She explained her eagerness to get going. And okay, that hurt a little bit. So she couldn't spend a little bit of time with me instead of her stupid boyfriend that nobody was allowed to know anything about.

We spent the better part of an hour and a half shopping for new clothes for me. We had been looking everywhere and whilst I did find some good buys, I still hadn't found _the _perfect outfit to impress Carlos with. "James, c'mon, I have to meet Je…my boyfriend soon, haven't we got enough?" Lucy complained. You know what, come to think of it, Lucy was a pretty shit friend sometimes. I finally conceded even though I hadn't found what I wanted. I'll have to make do with what I've got.

No. Not now. Not today. Please no. Anyone but them. Right out front of the final store we went to was the jackass brigade. Tony Pellet and his two asshole goons riding around on their bikes. They had been the main contributors to the 'Torture James Diamond Foundation'.

"Oh, it's the little fairy faggot" Tony jeered.

"James, don't listen to them" I heard Lucy whisper in my ear. But I didn't listen to her. I let it get to me like I always do. And right in that moment, all the fun I had since my release had just washed away and all I could focus on was this exact moment and all the memories and the urges came flooding back. I tried counting to ten and breathing like Katie had reminded me to do right before I left the hospital. But it wasn't working, all I wanted to do was run, to cry, to go and do something that would make this pain stop.

"Aww, is the queer gonna cry" one of the goons called. That was it, I couldn't take it anymore, and I needed to get out of here. I immediately bolted home with tears running down my face finding it hard to breathe. Lucy didn't follow. And I don't know whether I was happy about that because I wouldn't have to face her or a little disappointed that she didn't care enough to see if I was alright.

As I ran in the front door, I immediately fell to the ground. I came to the realisation that my mother wasn't home, this meant whatever I did right now, there was nobody here to stop me from doing it, except myself. I ran to the upstairs bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet. I knew it was in there somewhere. _WHERE IS IT?! _I started to panic even more. I couldn't find it. I couldn't find the razor that I had so often used to pierce my skin. My mother must have cleaned out the bathrooms after my admittance. She knew that I would do it again. She wanted to make sure I couldn't do it. I collapsed on the bathroom floor in a sobbing heap, reaching for the toilet bowel and retching up everything I had eaten in the last 2 days. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I couldn't be normal. I had managed to avoid hurting myself this time, but that was only because my mum had taken away my razors and my legs felt like jelly and didn't have enough strength to go find something else to use. But who was to say that this wouldn't happen again. That I wouldn't completely breakdown the next time someone called me a name, the next time I got upset. Maybe I wasn't ready to do this on my own. I think I need to go back to the hospital with Katie and Kelly right there so I have someone to stop me from doing these things because I don't know if I could stop myself again.

I left a note for my mum saying that I went to go see Kelly, leaving no allusion to my meltdown. I just needed to get there quick. But when I got to the hospital I didn't go see Kelly, I needed to see Katie first. To tell her that I was coming back. She would be so thrilled. When I saw her, she was sitting in her room in the corner like she often did.

"Hey Katie Kat" I called over to her.

"Jamie, hey, I get a visit already?" she asked me.

"Not exactly. I have some good news. I'm coming back here. I'm going to readmit myself. We can hang out together again."

She rose from her spot on the floor and was coming over to give me a hug. Oh wait, why is she looking at me like she wants to kill me. Okay, this doesn't look good. Her little arms fly at me with force and the hits are relentless, angry groans coming from her mouth. She's only small, but she can sure hit.

"Ow, Ow, Katie, what are you doing? STOP!" I start freaking out because I can't have her mad at me. Not her. She suddenly stops her attack on me and looks me straight in the eye with tears in her own.

"James, you have to promise me you will not come back here. You can't come back here. Everyone here is hanging onto their lives by their fingertips and you got out and now you want to come right back in. You can't do that James."

"But I don't like it out there Katie. I can't be out there. I'll do something stupid. I tried counting to ten and breathing and it _didn't _work."

"You don't like it anywhere James, because you don't like yourself. And I have no idea why because I have been trying to be more like you for months. You are an amazing person James and I know you are ready to be out there. It's hard I know, but I _know _you can do it. Your James."

"But I really miss you" I choked out. And she just wrapped her small arms around my waist and buried her head in my chest. And I hugged her back and we stayed like that for a good 10 minutes until she pulled away and looked up at me.

"So, tell me about this Carlos guy".

I laughed at her. Trust her to bring up Carlos. I had called her the night I met the gang and gushed about him for a good half hour. "He's so beautiful. I just want to ravish him all over. Shame he's straight though"

"Has he ever said he's straight" Katie questioned.

"Well, no. Not technically. But I know he is." Katie did have a point. He had never said 'I'm straight' but well nobody ever said that did they. That would be stupid. He had never given any hints he was into men, so he couldn't possibly be gay. But then again he hadn't really hinted anything about him liking women either. But no, of course he likes women. He was a guy, and that's _what _normal guys like.

"You don't know that. How many people have _you_ told? Only your mum, your doctors and I know. Maybe he has a secret too." And Lucy I thought to myself. But that didn't really change what Katie had said. He didn't know I was gay, so who knows if he could be. I couldn't stay here and let Katie feed my fantasies, it wasn't doing anything good for me and I needed to get to my session with Kelly.

"Bye Katie, I'll see you later."

"Only for a visit right?" she asked me with puppy dog eyes.

"Yes, Kate, just for a visit."

…

"James, we need to address you coming back to the hospital and wanting to be re admitted"

Oh crap. I really didn't want to. I had a moment and that's all it was. Katie talked sense into me and that was it. And Kelly wasn't supposed to even know anyway. I mean I was stupid to think she wouldn't know but I had hoped.

"I dunno, I guess I just thought I couldn't handle it. But I'm fine now" she looked at me curiously, as if knowing that I wasn't fine. Sometimes I really hate therapists. They can read you no matter how hard you try to hide something.

"Well, it's my job to help you learn how to handle it, whatever _it _may be. Can you tell me something you like about yourself?"

I looked down in thought and realised I couldn't think of _anything. _Not one thing. There was nothing I liked about myself. Everything was flawed and even the things that weren't so bad there was always someone better. So I just shrugged.

"Nothing? You can't think of one thing?" I simply shook my head. I wanted to be able to say something, but there was nothing.

"If I asked your friends what they liked about you what would they say?" she prodded.

"I dunno, you'd have to ask them" she looked at me with that look again. The one I hated. The one that screamed 'James, you are being difficult, you need to work with me here'. I hated that look, because I didn't want to be difficult, it was just another reason to be disliked, but sometimes my brain just shut down and I couldn't be helpful.

"I want you to do something for me okay." Oh no. What was she going to get me to do. Some stupid therapist bullshit. "I want you to look in the mirror every morning and say one good thing about yourself" And there we go. The therapist bullshit. What the hell was that going to do. I was not going to look into the mirror whispering sweet nothings to myself. No matter what I would say it wouldn't be true. Why would a therapist encourage me to lie.

"I'm not doing that, that's a load of crap"

"If you want to get better James, you're going to have to do some things that you might think are dumb, but trust me, they help." I looked at her like she had three heads, how on Earth could that help? And why should I trust her. I didn't trust anyone else. Except maybe Katie.

…

Thursday had arrived. My guys' day was finally upon me. And okay, maybe I am freaking out a little bit. Okay, a lot. But you would be to if you were hanging out with three attractive guys that didn't know you were gay and maybe lusting after one of them. I had gone through about 12 different outfits. Nothing looked good enough. All that money I spent shopping with Lucy had clearly gone to waste. I ended up settling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a plain white v neck. I had told my mum I was staying home today because after she had found out about my attempted return to the hospital she had really reinforced the whole 'James is doing too much too soon rule'. Luckily for me she was busy at work with the launch of a new product, so I could be sure to be gone and back before she even noticed.

"Hey, Jamie my boy" Carlos shouted as he wrapped me in a 'bro hug' when I arrived. And good lord, he was touching me. And he called me Jamie. I am going to have a panic attack before I even get the chance to sit down. Apparently Carlos realised I looked a bit off.

"Sorry, do you not like being called Jamie? Did I cross a line. I just heard Lucy call you that the other day so I figured it was okay." And now he was asking me if it was okay to call me Jamie. As if he could ever do anything wrong. He could call me anything he wanted and I would still be putty in his hands and besides loads of people called me Jamie, it never really bothered me unless they were doing it to make fun of me.

I cut off his rambling, "Los, it's okay, you can call me Jamie" OH MY GOD did I just call him Los. James what were you thinking, just shut your mouth before you ruin everything. Oh my God he knows I like him, he knows. Okay, maybe he doesn't because he just smiled at me. As I walked over to sit down, Logan and Kendall waved hello, nothing compared to the most amazing feeling of having Carlos's arms around me.

After an hour spent with the boys, I came to realise this was much the same as hanging out with the whole group, except there was more talk about cars and sports and more release of bodily functions. Seriously I had never experienced this many farts and burps in the one sitting. I never really much liked 'boy' stuff so I just acted like I was interested. Until a pretty girl walked past.

"Man, she is so hot, I'd give it to her anyway she liked" I heard Kendall say. I mean, yeah she was pretty, but nothing special, she was lacking, well, a penis.

"Meh, she's _okay_" I heard Logan argue.

"You're only saying that because she's not Camille" Carlos laughed at Logan. To which Logan responded with a slap to the back of Carlos's head. And I laughed at their banter. I loved the way these guys weren't afraid to just make fun of each other without thinking anything of it. They were all really good friends.

"James!" I heard Kendall call my name.

"Hmm?"

"I said, what do you think, hot or not?"

"She's not really my type" That wasn't a lie. She wasn't my type. I just neglected to mention that my _type_ was male.

"What is your type then? Men? She's like a stone cold fox" What!? Kendall couldn't possibly know that I was gay, had Lucy said something. No she wouldn't do that would she? This was going to go downhill if I didn't nip it in the bud. They might stop wanting to hang around me if they knew I was gay. They might start calling me names too and I couldn't have that, not when I was starting to really become friends with them.

"What!? No. Eww, that's gross man. I gotta go, gotta be back before my mum gets home or I'll get in trouble, she thinks I was staying home today." I defended as I got up to leave.

"Okay, I was only playing around man, sorry" I heard Kendall call after me. I hope to God he was just playing around, I can't have them find out. All of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around. It was Carlos.

"Hey man, ignore Kendall, sometimes he doesn't have a filter. He doesn't like hate gays or anything. You don't do you?" He asked me. I figured my best bet was to go with no, considering a. it was the truth and b. Carlos mustn't hate them either if he was bringing it up.

"No, of course not, I just like pussy, ya know" You could of just said no James, why, why, why am I so stupid. Why did I have to add the liking pussy part. A simple no wouldn't have been a lie. He just laughed at me. That laugh. It was one of the greatest sounds I had ever heard. No. Stop. It sounded horrible, that's it, like a whale dying. A very cute whale…

"So, Kendall is opening for this band on the weekend and he got us two free tickets, and Logan and I were gonna go, but Logan has this family thing on so he can't make it, and I don't want you to think you're like a replacement or anything, I mean he got the tickets before we knew you, I'm sure he would've gotten three if we knew you then, but yeah, would you like to uh, come with me" Is he blushing? Did he just ask me out? Come to think of it, he hadn't made a comment on that girl earlier. I'm getting ahead of myself again. I really need to stop that. He was just asking me for company so he didn't have to go see Kendall alone, it meant nothing. But, it would be fun, to spend some time alone with Carlos and Kendall would probably join us after his set.

"Yeah, that sounds great, I'll just have to clear it with my mum" I answered. And I don't know if I was imagining it, but his face almost looked like it…lit up.

**Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


	3. Ladies and Gentlemen

**This one is a little shorter than the other two and has a lot of dialogue, but meh, I think it turned out okay. Enhoy!**

Riiiiing. Riiiing. I hear the phone ring, breaking me out of the fourth fantasy I had had about Carlos this week.

"Hey"

"Hi Jamie. I need to talk to you. Can you meet me at the park?" She sounded scared. I hope nothing too serious was going on. Yeah, sometimes I got really angry with her and she wasn't always the greatest friend to have around, but she is my best friend and I didn't want her to be scared.

"Yeah, I'll head over there now"

As I walked to the park, I thought of all the possibilities that could be going on with Lucy. Someone was ill, someone had died or maybe it was just something small and she had broken up with her boyfriend or had a fight with her sister or something. When I saw her, she was sitting on the swings, rocking slowly with her head down and her foot playing in the dirt.

"Hey" I called as I approached. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and a look of pure fear.

"I fucked up"

"What's wrong? Did something bad happen? Are you okay?" I fired question after question. Her response was the furthest thing from my mind. In hindsight though, it was very 'Lucy' of her.

"I went to the doctors this morning. I'm….I'm pregnant"

"You're WHAT?!"

"I'm pregnant. I've really fucked up this time. I told him he should wear a condom, but he said it was my responsibility to be on the pill and I couldn't tell him that I wasn't on it because it makes you gain weight and I didn't want him to break up with me. But that meant shit, because the second I told him, he said that he couldn't be with me anymore because he wasn't ready to be a dad."

"Who is the asshole?"

"Jett Stetson" she ashamedly whispered.

"JETT STETSON! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LUCY? He's a drug dealer. You were sleeping with a drug dealer?!" I tried to calm myself down after my outburst because she just looked down in shame and this was absolutely not what she needed to hear right now. She needed support.

"What are you gonna do?" I asked her wondering if she was going to keep the baby.

"I went to the doctor yesterday. He said that I can take what's called an early abortion pill and get it all sorted if that's what I wanted to do."

"Well, is that what you want to do?"

"It's all I can do. I mean, I can't keep it, and if I put it up for adoption everyone will know that I was sleeping with the town scum. Will you stay with me on Saturday, the doctor said I shouldn't be alone and other than Jett, you're the only one that knows"

"This Saturday?" She nodded. This Saturday was Kendall's gig. My first chance to be alone with Carlos. Somewhere he had asked me himself. When he could've invited anyone else, well except Logan of course because that's who I was taking the place of. What kind of friend would I be if I bailed on him and made him go alone? But then again, I would be a worse friend if I left Lucy alone. Carlos could find someone else to go with and besides he was probably just asking me to be nice anyway.

"Yeah, I'll come stay with you". I had to hide my anger. I wasn't angry at Lucy I guess. More the situation. Okay, no, I was angry at Lucy. How could she be so stupid to not be on the pill if she was having sex just because it made you gain weight? So does being pregnant idiot! And why would she have sex with him if he wouldn't wear a condom. Everything always has to be about her and I hate it! I needed to get out of here before I yelled at her again.

"Luce, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have an appointment" She looked up at me in confusion. But I wasn't lying; I really did have an appointment with Kelly. But I just let Lucy believe it was an appointment with a normal doctor and not a therapist.

…

"She just frustrates me so much sometimes. Everything always has to be about her. I had plans and now I have to drop them just to take care of her because she made a huge mistake and doesn't want to tell anyone else about it. And now I have to call Carlos and make up an excuse as to why I can't go with him anymore and gah!" I ranted to Kelly, one of the only people, other than maybe Katie, that I could really unleash everything I was feeling to.

"Why are you friends with Lucy?" I thought about this for a moment. Why _am_ I friends with Lucy. She wasn't a good friend. She never did anything for me. I mean, she was supposed to be my best friend and I couldn't even tell her that I had been admitted into a mental ward. And then I realised why.

"Because we've always been friends. It's the way it has always been. Ever since we were little. I can't imagine it being any different"

Kelly shook her head. "No, there has to be something else. You don't just stay friends with someone because that's the way it's always been. You must be important to her if she only told _you _about her pregnancy. I think you're angry with her because you are lying to her when she has told you _her _biggest secret". Kelly had a point. Lucy had told me something she only trusted me with. She didn't tell Camille, or her sister, or her mum. She told me. And I'm not even a girl. And I was mad at myself for lying to her, but only because I felt like I couldn't tell her out of fear she would judge me for it.

"If she's your best friend James, she won't judge you. Maybe you should talk to her" I hate it when she does that. Reads my mind and tells me what I don't want to but need to hear. Because she was right. I needed to have someone other than my therapist that I could talk about my problems with. I always hated talking to Katie about it because she had her own stuff to deal with that was so much worse than what I was going through.

…

The moment had come. I had to call Carlos about this weekend. I didn't know if I needed to even come up with an excuse or could I just leave it with 'something came up and I can't make it'. I certainly couldn't tell him the truth because Lucy doesn't want anyone to know. I had seen Kendall in the street and told him I couldn't make it see him perform but that was easy, I wasn't in love with Kendall. Maybe Kendall will just tell Carlos I couldn't come. Yeah, I didn't have to call Carlos; Kendall will definitely pass on the message. No James, you can't do that. You have to call him yourself. You owe him that much.

An agonizing 25 minutes later I finally worked up the courage to pick up the phone. It rang a few times and I contemplated hanging up, because I wasn't so sure I could do this. I don't know why it was such a big deal, he probably wouldn't even care that I couldn't come. Probably happy that he dodged that bullet and could just ask someone so much cooler than me to go.

"Hello" I heard when I was having my internal battle about whether or not to hang up the phone. He even sounded beautiful _over the phone_.

"Uh, hey? Is this Carlos?" Of course it's Carlos stupid, as if you wouldn't know that voice whenever you heard it.

"Yeah it's Carlos, James" he laughed. He knew it was me. Had he commit my voice to memory as much as I had with his? Did this mean something? Oh wait, caller ID James you idiot. Your name came up on his phone. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Um..uh" I stuttered out. Stop being so nervous James, it's just Carlos. Just Carlos. Pffft, just the most beautiful creature to ever grace this god green Earth. "Listen, I'm really sorry to do this on such short notice, but I can't make it on Saturday, something came up" I told him regretfully.

"Oh" Was that a tone of disappointment I heard? "No worries. Sometimes you can't help these things, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone else to go with, and if not, Kendall's set is pretty short so I'll only be by myself for a little bit." See James, he was fine with it; he didn't care that you couldn't come. He was nowhere near as upset about it as you are. He's just going to find someone else to go with. And I just hope to God he doesn't find some girl to go with and spends the entirety of Kendall's set making out with her.

"Sorry again" I pitifully apologized for a second time.

"Seriously, don't worry about it, I mean it sucks that you can't come, but I'm sure where you need to be is much more important" I wish it wasn't, but it was. I wanted to tell myself that it wasn't important and just go with Carlos, but I knew it was. Lucy was my best friend and she needed me.

"Okay, well, bye" I didn't really think I could sustain a full blown conversation with Carlos over the phone so I needed to get myself out before I said something unbelievably stupid.

"Cya. Maybe we can hang out another time". Wow. He intended to reschedule. This was unexpected, but I agreed before I had a panic attack and hung up the phone.

…

Saturday came and Lucy had taken the pill. She looked really shit. Like death warmed up. I could tell she was feeling as bad as she looked too. I had made the right decision to stay with her. This was the third time she had thrown up since I'd been here. There was no way she could handle this on her own.

"How are you feeling" I asked her.

"Yeah, alright. I think that's the last of it…James, I'm sorry I made you miss Kendall's gig." How did she know about that? I hadn't told her that I had made other plans. And why would she be sorry, even if she did know that I had intended to go she certainly didn't know that it was so important to me to spend time alone with Carlos.

"Carlos told me. He seemed pretty bummed you couldn't go." Oh did he really? He must have felt something if he had spared the time to mention it to Lucy.

"Yeah, well, this was more important. You were my friend first. And they could find someone else to go with." I brushed it off like it didn't matter when really it mattered a hell of a lot. And I was really upset about it. But she had apologised and that meant a lot. I always thought Lucy never really paid any attention to my feelings, but this showed me she did at least somewhat. And that's when I considered it. Maybe Lucy wasn't a bad friend. Maybe I could tell her about the hospital. Maybe Kelly was right, she wouldn't judge me, she would be there for me, just like I am here for her right now when she messed up. We were silent for a moment just listening to the music on the radio softly.

"Luce, I have something to tell you" I looked over at her, my eyes watery.

"Jamie, what's wrong?" she looked at me with concern. A look most people would hate, but I welcomed it, because I knew it meant she was going to help me through everything, just like I needed her to.

"I wasn't in France." I admitted.

"Where were you?"

"I did something really stupid"

"What do you mean?" the look of concern still strong on her face. This wasn't going as terribly as I had anticipated.

"I've been sick…I've been hurting myself. One night I cut so deep, I had to go the hospital, and that's when I was admitted into the psychiatric unit and stayed there for four months" It felt surprisingly good to let it all out. Finally there was someone I didn't have to make up lies about France to, I had one more person to turn to when things got too difficult.

"Why didn't you tell me" she asked, looking hurt. I suppose she had every right to be. I had kept something huge from her, blatantly lied about it, when she had shared something so deep about her that she could've completely kept quiet about and I would have never asked.

"I don't know. I was just scare…" riiiing. Riiing. Lucy's phone rang and she made no hesitation to answer it. I wondered what could be so important that she had to take a call when I was in the midst of telling her my darkest and innermost thoughts.

"Hey, yeah, okay, yeah" she hung up the phone looking at me with guilt. Oh no, she was about to leave me. After I had just admitted that I was self- harming and was institutionalised for it, she was about to leave me. "James, I'm sorry. It was Jett, he wants to talk. I really need to hear what he has to say. I won't be long I swear. Can you stay here while I'm gone so my parents still think I'm here?" WHAT?! How could she possibly be doing this? What could he possibly have to say to her that's so important? I didn't even bother answering her because she was out the window before I could.

The feeling is back again. That incredible urge to want to stab myself repeatedly until I violently bled out. Lucy hadn't judged me, but she had done the one other thing I had feared she would do and that was not be there for me. She didn't even last 5 minutes. Some friend. I can't stay here, I need to get out, I need to get home. So, that's what I did. I ran out the door as fast I could, ignoring the questions from Mr and Mrs Stone. I ran straight home, begging for my mother to be out. She had been dating this guy recently so there was a good chance she was. Please God, I need you to be on my side tonight. I ran in the door and called out to mum. No answer. Perfect. I had time to go looking for something seeing as how I know mum threw away my razors. I ran into my mother's bathroom, knowing exactly what I wanted to find and where I would find it. Her medication for her back pain. She had just recently filled her prescription. I could down the whole bottle and be gone before she even got home.

Oh crap, I can't find them. Dammit, where are they. I rummaged through her medicine cabinet, coming up empty. No, no, no. They have to be in here somewhere. Ding, ding, ding, found them. I gripped my hands tight around the bottle, tears running down my face. Did I want to do this, did I really want to end everything? Was Lucy leaving after I told her enough of a reason to do this. My hand shakily tried to open the cap, but I couldn't do it, so I try harder. Nothing. I keep trying and trying, but to no avail. I grow more and more frustrated that I can't get to what I want the most right now and collapse onto the floor my tears having progressed into sobs by this point. I drop the pills and lean my head on the toilet, my body sprawled on the bathroom floor and I stay like that, crying my eyes out. That's where my mother found me a half hour later, begging me to tell her what was wrong. I couldn't. I couldn't speak, could barely breathe. Maybe this is what she had meant when she said I was doing too much too soon. I briefly heard her tell me she was going to call Kelly and then felt the arms of a strange man, whom I guessed was her new boyfriend, carry me to my bed and place the covers over me. My mother standing in the doorway on the phone. I eventually cried myself to sleep. But I was woken up 3 hours later from a text message from Kendall.

_Thanks a lot buddy, because of you I had to deal with a mopey Carlos all night :P xx, K. _

Maybe somebody did care.

**Thanks for reading. Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


	4. Never Tell Anybody Anything

**This was a bit of a short filler chapter but we got to see a little bit of Jarlos action and them getting closer. The last two chapters I have to do I plan on making them quite big so yeah, this one is just meh. Enhoy! Oh, and on a side note, LoveSparkle, you are my favourite. You are like the only person that actually reviews my stuff regularly and you keep me writing. Much Love. **

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to throw up. My head was pounding and my stomach churned. Last night was horrible. I had almost done something stupid again. How could I have made mum come home to that? What if I had been able to open the bottle and downed the whole thing? Everything could have been over, and despite what happened with Lucy yesterday, Kendall's text message last night gave me renewed hope, a reason not to leave.

"Morning Jamie" my mother looked over at me lying in bed with bags under her eyes like she hadn't slept, a cup of tea in her hands.

"Morning" I mumbled. She walked over to me, sitting on my bed and running her hands through my hair, something she hadn't done since I was a little boy and I had to admit, I had missed it. Her eyes looked at me with pity, a look I had expected, but not welcomed. I knew the words that were about to come out of her mouth and I didn't like them anymore than she did.

"I spoke to Kelly last night, she thinks you might need to go back onto your medication, I asked her if you should go back to the hospital for a little while, and she said that was a decision we have to make together. I think you should Jamie, just for a little longer until you're completely better" No. Not now. I had finally told myself that I could do this, that I could live out here in the real world, I had friends, I couldn't tell them I was going to France again and I certainly couldn't tell them the truth…or could I?

"Mum, no. I'll start taking my meds again, I'll double up on my sessions with Kelly, just please don't send me back there, mum, please?" I begged. Katie would murder me if I went back, and for the first time since I had been released, I hadn't wanted to.

"James, I don't know what to do. I can't lose you, you're my whole world. And I already have flights booked for work and I can't leave you alone"

"You don't trust me?" I asked hurt. To be fair, I had tried to kill myself twice when she had left me alone, so she had every right not to trust me, but I wasn't going to do it again. Ever.

"Don't turn this on me James Isaac Diamond. You know I love you and trust you, but you're hurting right now and I need to protect you, you are my son".

"Mum, please, I am begging you, I can stay with Lucy or something, I told her the truth yesterday, she knows about everything." Mum looked at me sceptically. She didn't trust Lucy either. She thought that I was going to tell her I was staying at Lucy's and then really stay home and do something stupid.

"How about, while I am away for a few days, I get Drew to stay here. He's been wanting to get to know you and he can make sure you're okay and everything? And you don't have to go back to the hospital if you promise me you will just take it easy while I'm gone. The day I get back is the party to celebrate my new overseas launch, and I want you there, happy. You should invite all your friends to that." Drew was my mother's boyfriend, the man that had carried me into my room last night, and while the thought of staying alone with this man for a few days made my skin crawl, I didn't want to go to the hospital, and besides, maybe I could stay at someone's house without them knowing.

"I promise mum, thank you" I said as I gave her a huge hug simultaneously promising her I wouldn't do anything stupid and apologising for all the pain I had caused her.

"Alright get up, you have a session with Kelly in an hour"

…

"Do you think you should come back to the hospital James?"

"Do you?" I asked her, after all, she was the therapist, not me.

"I think, that if you think you need to come back, then you should come back, but I have noticed a change in you and I think you'll be okay." That meant a lot. Kelly trusted me when my own mother didn't. She knew that I could get better without being trapped in a mental ward and that meant that I started believing I could too.

"I think I can manage out there" I answered her.

"So, what happened last night?" And for the first time, I had no problem answering her questions. I felt completely comfortable to tell her about what happened.

"I told Lucy everything, about the attempted suicide, the hospital, everything. And she just left, got up, climbed out the window, and went and talked to her stupid boyfriend who isn't even her boyfriend anymore and left me sitting in her room crying. I was even going to tell everyone else about what happened because I was tired of lying to them, but after that, I don't think I can."

"Lucy doesn't hate you now though, does she? Sure, she was a real unsupportive bitch, but she's still your friend. Who's to say that Logan, Kendall, Camille and Carlos will do the same?" She had a point, Lucy had always been selfish, I should've known she would care more about her problems than mine. And Kelly was right, for a split second, Lucy had looked like she cared, and she hadn't judged me at all. Maybe I should tell the others.

…

As I was leaving the hospital, I got a text message from Carlos.

_Hey. I really need someone to talk to. Do you mind coming over? – Los _

I remembered what my mother said about taking it easy for a few days but I couldn't leave Carlos hanging, _again, _especially when he seemed so upset. But I feared my mother would either postpone her trip or make me be readmitted if I broke my promise of taking it easy, so I texted her and told her I was going to spend some time at the hospital with Katie and Guitar Dude because I had missed them and went to Carlos' house instead.

I walked up to his house nearly shitting myself. I hadn't thought about being in his house, alone, until this moment. Oh crap, why do I always freak myself out? He just wants to talk James, he's upset about something and he just needs a friend. And who knows, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to tell him about me. I knocked on the door whilst breathing deeply and internally counting to ten to calm myself down.

When he answered the door, I wanted to cry. Because that is what he had been doing. Cheeks red and eyes puffy, he looked like a mess and that broke me. "Hey, thanks for coming, come in", he greeted and held the door open for me to come in. I plopped down on the couch in the living room, and he flopped down next to me, leaning his head on my shoulder. The close proximity scared me a little but I forced myself calm down before he could feel me getting a little too excited, because now was certainly not the time.

"It's back" he whispered so softly I could barely hear him. I had absolutely no clue what the hell he meant. What was back? But I remained silent because I didn't want to look silly and judging by the tears in Carlos' eyes, all he needed right now was someone to lean on. He looked up at me with a frown I never wanted to see grace his features again.

"My little brother. He's only 10", he choked out and paused. I kept looking at him to show him I was listening, because quite frankly I was a little curious. "He had been in remission for a year and a half, but it's come back, the cancer came back" he softly said through tears and leant his head back down on my shoulder. Oh, that's what he meant but 'its back'. I brought my arm up around his shoulder and rubbed up and down his arm in comfort; because that was the only thing I could think to do. He just continued to cry softly into my chest and we remained like that for a full 10 minutes.

His cries had completely died down now and he looked up at me with a small smile of thanks. It was then I knew I had to say something. But what?

"Cancer can suck my big fat one" That's what you come up with James. You absolute idiot. His brother is practically dying and you say something like that. But wait, what's that. Carlos is grinning up at me. And there's a giggle. Maybe I had said the right thing.

"Thanks Jamie" he said after his giggles subsided. And there he goes with the Jamie again. I swear this boy will be the death of me. I squeezed him tight in a hug to say you're welcome and boy did it feel good.

"But can you do me a favour and not tell anyone about this. I mean, Logan is the only one who knows he was ever sick in the first place and I just don't like people knowing" he requested. He only wanted me to know. What the hell Carlos? Since when am I your first choice of who to confide in, we've only been friends for a few weeks.

"It's just that you're so trustworthy and honest with us, I feel like you were the best person to confide in" Oh shit. No. Carlos, I have been lying to you ever since I met you. I'm not honest, or trustworthy, I am a lying sack of shit. I couldn't tell him now. He was upset about his brother, I couldn't tell him I had been lying to him and everyone about where I was in the Spring. So I just smiled and him and promised I wouldn't tell anyone.

After a while, I realised I really needed to get going because mum thought I was at the hospital with Katie still and she would be there soon to pick me up. Carlos had fallen asleep leaning on my chest. I couldn't bear to wake him up, but I knew leaving him there would be worse so I softly called his name.

"Los"

"mm" he mumbled.

"I gotta go, my mum wants me home" and there I go lying to him again. I mean, not telling the whole truth doesn't have to count as lying. Yeah, I'll stick with that.

"Okay, thanks for coming, love you" he mumbled as he rolled his head over to the other side of the couch and closed his eyes again. I almost choked on my own saliva. Did he just say 'love you'? I was standing straight and still as a rod for a full 8 seconds before I came to. He just meant it in a friendly way James, that's all, calm your pants; you need to get back to the hospital before your mum gets there. I saw a blanket sitting folded on the armchair next to the couch and grabbed it, putting it over Carlos, resisting the overwhelming urge to kiss him on the forehead. I needed to get out of here before I have an aneurysm.

I ended up having to run back to the hospital so my mum didn't know I left. Made it just in time to. I saw mum pull up just I after I got back.

"Hey sweetie, how was your session today"

"Really good. I feel really good" Wow, a truth. I was doing well. I even said it with a smile.

"That's great honey, really glad to hear that. Say, because Drew will be staying over for a few days I thought it might be a good idea to have dinner together tonight, the three of us, does that sound like a good idea" she questioned.

"Yeah mum, sounds great" I told her, even though I was still wary about this Drew guy it was better I properly met him before I had to spend days alone with him. So I went home that day feeling pretty okay, considering I had tried to kill myself the night before. Things were finally starting to look up.

**Two more chapters to go! Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


	5. It's a Wonderful James Pt 1

**So this is like the beginning of the end haha. Only one chapter left after this one. And I realise James seems like a bit of a dick in this one but you've got to remember he is suffering from a serious mental disorder and has trouble handling his emotions. Enhoy!**

Mum had left that following morning, and like I promised, I had been staying with Drew for the few days she had been gone and been having my regular sessions with Kelly. I had surprisingly enjoyed my time at home with Drew. As much as it felt like he was breathing down my neck most of the time, he was sort of…fun. And it was good to have someone to teach me how to do guy things that I had always avoided, I guess not because I didn't like them but just because I never had anyone to teach me them because God knows my own father didn't. He was way too busy getting drunk. Mum was due to arrive home on Saturday, just in time for her launch party that I just _had _to attend. Which reminds me, I was supposed to invite the gang, and considering its Thursday I should probably get on that.

I had been talking to Carlos on the phone all week about his brother. He had told me that the doctors had high hopes because he responded to treatment so well last time and this cancer wasn't as progressed as his original bout. This was good news, because even though I had never met Javi, Carlos loved him to bits and would be destroyed if he lost him. As much as I had hated the reason Carlos had been opening up to me lately, I was grateful for it, because there was not as much awkwardness anymore and I could actually have a conversation with him without wanting to throw up. Well, on the phone at least. So, I thought he would be a good place to start about inviting the gang to my mum's thing.

"Hey James, I was just about to call you what a coincidence", Carlos greeted as he picked up the phone. Ooh, what was he about to call me about? He sounded happy, so it couldn't have been about Javi.

"Hey Carlos. I was just calling to ask. Well, you see, my mum has this thing on Saturday, it's the launch of her new international division for her cosmetics company and she told me to invite my friends. So, I was wondering if you wanted to come, I haven't asked anyone else yet, but I am going to." I nervously asked him. Okay, so maybe I wasn't completely comfortable talking to him yet. I mean I was in love with the guy.

"Yeah! That sounds awesome James. It will be perfect. Good wind down after the party on Friday. That's what I called to ask you about actually. Logan's older brother told him about this cool underground party tomorrow night. I didn't want to go at first, because of Javi and everything, but he got angry at me and said he wouldn't talk to me ever again if I didn't keep going out." He finished with a laugh.

Crap. Friday was before my mother came back. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere until she got back. But this party sounded like it was going to be amazing and _everyone _was going to be here. Who knows, maybe I could get Carlos so drunk that we could kiss. "Uh, I dunno Carlos. I don't think I can go. My mum was pretty clear about not going out while she was gone because I got grounded for slamming my door" What a stupid excuse James. "But ah, I'll see." I knew it was a long shot thinking that I could go to that party. And really, maybe I shouldn't. I hadn't been proving myself lately, even if I was starting to feel better this week.

"Ah man, that sucks; it will be shit if you don't come. But I understand. Well, were going to the park this afternoon to discuss all the details, but I guess you can't come to that either, stupid grounding. Do you want me to ask everyone about your mum' thing, save you calling everyone?"

"Yeah, that would be great Los. Thanks. Cya." I hung up the phone after he said goodbye. I thought about the party. Was it even worth asking Drew about? I had been going well all week and we had gotten along great, maybe he would let this one slide. Kelly would probably want me to go; she would think it's good that I am getting out there. So I decided to go and ask.

"Hey, um, Drew?" I questioned, walking over to him nervously.

"Yeah son?" That's the one thing I couldn't stand that he did. Call me son. It made my skin crawl. But I never told him, because I didn't want him to turn on me or anything.

"Um, I know mum said that I couldn't go out until she came back, but my friends are having this party sort of thing tomorrow night and because I've been doing really well these past few days, I was wondering if maybe I could get off a day early. Mum wouldn't even have to know?" I virtually was begging.

"I don't know James; I don't know how much your mother would appreciate me going behind her back. She trusted me to watch over you. And do you really think you're ready after what happened the other night?" He reasoned. But I was ready for this. I needed Carlos, and this was my way of getting him.

"Please" I begged.

"I'm sorry James" I stormed off into my room, not wanting to deal with my disappointment like an adult.

My phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID seeing it was Katie. Maybe she would be able to cheer me up. "Hey Katie Kat" I said with little enthusiasm, considering my mood.

"Hey Jamie, what's up with you?" She always knew when something was up.

"Ah, nothin'. I just got invited to a party tomorrow night and I can't go because of mum's stupid conditions and her stupid boyfriend is making sure they are enforced." I whined.

"Well, I was sort of wondering, if maybe you would want to join me for a dinner tomorrow night. At the hospital. It's part of this whole new treatment thing that Kelly is using to try and get me to eat. Kelly already spoke to your mum about it and she said it was fine" It sounded like a good idea. It would take my mind off of not going to the party and I always liked spending time with Katie.

"Yeah, sure, sounds good, can't wait". I felt her excitement when she told me how happy she was that I could come and that she couldn't wait either and after another 15 minutes of just chatting, we hung up and said goodnight. I went to sleep that night thinking about how annoyed I was that I wasn't able to go to the party.

…

"Like, I don't even get why I can't go. The incident happened under completely different circumstances. I think it would be good for me, don't you?" I complained to Kelly at our morning session.

"No. I don't James. I agree with your mum."

"WHAT?!" I was astounded. Kelly always talked about how much I had grown as a person since I had been out and how I need to have fun and make friends and now she was telling me that I shouldn't be going to this party.

"You were in a mental ward a month ago James, do you think someone would break their leg and run a marathon a month later? You need to take it easy, haven't you learnt that?" I am sick to death of everyone treating me like I am disabled and broken. I did something stupid, sure, but why was that stopping me from enjoying my life when that is exactly what I _need _right now.

"Don't treat me like I am stupid Kelly, just because I made a stupid mistake"

"James, it's my job to make sure you don't make those mistakes again, and going to this party will not be good for you"

Adults are full with as much bullshit as kids. She's spent so much time telling me that it's not good to lie, that I should get everything out, yet she has been lying to me the entire time I have known her. Telling me that she thinks I am getting better, that making friends is a good idea. Now she is turning around saying something completely the opposite. It infuriates me. And then I came to a sudden realisation, I didn't have to listen to Kelly. Nobody could force me to come to these sessions. I didn't have to come.

"What would you do if I just walked out that door right now and didn't come back?" I asked her. She remained silent.

"What? Got nothing inspirational or philosophical to make me stay?"

She looked at me dead in the eye, trying her hardest to think of something to stay, I could tell. "Do you think, that maybe you're not mad at me, or your mum, or Drew, but yourself. Mad at yourself for being sick, mad at yourself that you can't do the things normal teenagers do?" That was the best she had? Well she could suck my giant dick if she thought that pathetic excuse was going to keep me here. I walked out, slamming the door.

You know what. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I am going to that party. Fuck Kelly. Fuck my mum and her stupid boyfriend. Fuck this hospital. Fuck this sickness. Just fuck everything!

I arrived there before I could even think where my feet had taken me and I knocked on the door with no nervousness ever for the first time. As soon as he opened his door, he looked in my eyes and he knew. There was no need for words, he just nodded his head and let me in. I sat down on his bed and he went and made me a cup of tea.

"Tea makes everything alright" he said as he gave it to me and sat down next to me. He didn't know exactly what I was angry/upset about; he just knew that I was angry/upset. And for that I was grateful because if he knew that I had just got into it with my _therapist _then there was bound to be some questions that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to answer.

"So, you gonna stick it to them and come to the party anyway?" I had had some time to come down from my wild fit of rage and truly think about it while Carlos had been making me tea. This is probably what both Kelly and my mum meant when they said that I had a hard time controlling my emotions and I realised that maybe I shouldn't go.

"Nah, I don't think I should. But can I just crash here tonight?"

"Sure, I'll go grab the spare mattress from Javi's room" He was up before I could protest. While Carlos was gone I felt my phone vibrate with a text message.

_James, where are you? You're not at the hospital. I'm worried something has happened – Drew. _

Of course his immediate conclusion is that I have fucked up and done something stupid and that's why I am not at the hospital. It couldn't be that I felt like going for a walk, or visiting a friend and wanted to get the fuck out of the house. I am tired of people not trusting me, always thinking the worst, like I am some stupid idiot. Drew had just made me rethink my decision to just stay at Carlos's while everyone was at the party. If he wasn't going to trust me, then I was going to give him a reason not to.

_Bite me. You're not my dad! _

I sent it before I even thought about the consequences. But to be truthful, I didn't really care about them. I was going to the party and I was going to get shitfaced and have so much fun with Carlos and the rest of the gang. Just then Carlos walked back into his room, dragging a mattress and I jumped up to help him.

"Hey Los, you got any clothes I can borrow to wear to the party" I asked him, hinting at my new decision to go to the party. He just smiled at me, plopped the mattress down and went to his closet to find me some clothes to wear. This night was going to be great.

…

We all walked up to the entrance to this huge ass mansion where the party was being held. It looked fucking insane. We all looked at each other with excitement in our eyes. Party of the century. We went in and there were people everywhere and music thumping. I needed to get my drink on. "Everyone hold up, hold up" Logan shouted over the noise.

"One for everyone" he said as he pulled out a bunch of pills. He downed one, then Kendall, then Lucy. Camille went to grab one from him. "Aye, not you."

"But why, you said there was one for everyone"

"Yeah but not you". She looked at him disappointed. Oh Camille, if only you realised why he wouldn't give you one. He loves you ya goose. I took a pill off Logan and downed it. I had never done a pill before, so this was exciting. I vaguely noticed Carlos reject Logan's offer and Logan put the remaining pills back in his pocket. The party had officially started.

…

The pill and the alcohol is finally starting to kick in. This party is siiick. I am so fucked though. But who fucking cares, this music is great, my friends are great and Carlos looks so mother fucking sexy I want to lick him all over. Woooooo!

"Luceeee!" I call out to her. Who gives a shit about any of the stuff she did, she's still my best friend and I love her and she's the reason I met all these cool people and I am at this amazing party having the time of my life.

"Jamiieeeee!" she shouts back, coming close to me and grabbing my neck.

"I love you so fucking much you little crazy. If you weren't gay I would screw your lights out"

"I love you too Luce. And if I was straight I'd let ya" I responded, too fucked to give a shit about what I was even saying.

"Best friends forever baby" she screamed as she leaned in and started kissing me and considering how out of it I was, I kissed back because fucking hell did I need some action. We pulled back when we were done and pressed our foreheads together. "I'm sorry for all the shit I put on you and everything" she apologized. And I didn't even care anymore. "No worries, it's okay." I reassured her and gave her another peck on the lips. We pulled apart and started dancing like wild animals to the music again. And where was that sexy little Latino when you needed him. I danced around trying to find him.

"James. Shit man! What do I do? I fucking love her." I heard Logan shout at me over the music.

"What, who?" I asked, not even thinking about Camille, because he had held it in for so long that nobody ever thought he would admit it.

"Camille, I love Camille"

"Why are you telling me for?" I asked him, wondering why the hell I was the one he chose to tell. Why did people always tell me things when I was keeping the biggest secret from the lot of them?

"Coz you're the dad. Tell me what to do" he looked pitiful. Like he really was confused as to what he should do. Jesus, he was as blind as her. Camille was so obviously in love with him to. Had been pining for ages, I knew that from the night I met them.

"Go tell her you idiot". But before he could go off and confess his love to her, we turned around and saw her kissing Dak Zevon, the hottest senior in the school. And he was bad news. "Aww, Loges, I am so sorry man" I apologised to him as I turned around to face him. But before I could even finish my sentence he had run off. Shit. Now I had to go find him and make sure he was alright. But I got distracted by the music and danced through another song.

Then I remembered and realised I had to go find him. I bumped into Kendall and asked him if he knew where Logan went and told him what happened. "Aw shit man, we better go find him, c'mon". We looked everywhere for him, inside, outside, we couldn't find him anywhere. We figured he must have gotten upset and just fucked off back to where we parked the cars and decided to crash there. We hoped he hadn't been silly enough to drive home, he was as off his head as we were. But seeing Logan like that and how much it hurt him to see Camille kissing another guy, I realised something. I had to take a chance and tell Carlos. Maybe he was gay, maybe he was straight. Who cares, I had to say something before I exploded.

"I need to tell him. I need to tell Carlos" I slurred to Kendall, smacking him in the face on accident with my over enthusiastic hand gestures.

"What are you talking about? You're fucked."

"Yeah, but I need to tell him" I said as I walked off to go find my little Latin prince. Kendall just waved his hand in complete confusion as to what the hell I was talking about.

"Carlos! Carlos!" I called. Looking for him everywhere. I needed to find him before the buzz of the alcohol and pill wore off and I lost my complete inhibition to do anything. I couldn't find him; I pushed through everyone, hoping I would get lucky and see him. I did see him. But I wasn't lucky. He was kissing some dirty blonde slut, her hands all in his hair and him grabbing her ass.

"No. No. No. No. No." I screamed as I freaked out. He was fucking straight. Nooooo! Shit, I need to get out of here. Oh god, I feel terrible. I somehow managed to run outside and breathe in the fresh air, but that did nothing to help me feel better. I felt like someone had pissed on my soul. And with a gracious thud, I flopped onto the ground and completely passed out asleep.

…

I woke up the next morning, lying in the grass; a pile of what I am guessing was my own vomit beside me. Fuck, how much did I have last night? This was the worst hangover I had ever experienced. And shit, last night. Carlos was kissing that blonde slut. Ah, everything is so fucked. I needed to get home before a missing person ad was put out for me. I slowly began my walk back to where we had the cars parked and I saw Logan sleeping in his. I tapped on the window and he woke up and unlocked the door.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" he asked me as I got in the car. Yes. I remember everything. You confessing your love for Camille, then seeing her kiss Dak Zevon, me and Lucy kissing, and oh but of course Carlos making out with a stupid bitch that wasn't me.

"Little bits" I answered.

"I don't remember anything. Shit, I got so wasted." I didn't know if he really didn't remember anything from last night or if he was just pretending he didn't because he was still upset about Camille, but I let it slide nonetheless because I knew all too well how much it hurt.

"You ready to head on home" he asked

"Yeah". We drove the entire way to my house in silence, not much caring how anyone else found their way home.

Walking in the front door I prepared myself for what was to come. Mum's car was parked in the driveway, which meant she was back and I was almost positive that Drew had told her about what I had texted him. My head was not in a ready state to handle their crap, but I had brought this on myself I suppose. I barely closed the door before it started.

"Where the hell were you?" my mum screamed at me without mercy for my aching head. I ignored her and just rubbed my hand over my face instead. I was upset enough; I didn't need it to be fuelled. She knew I went to the party, I don't know why the hell she had to ask me.

"I don't know how much more I can handle James. I have almost lost you more times than I would like to talk about. And then you go and sneak out to a party that you knew wasn't going to be good for you. I just…don't know what to do" she lectured as she burst into tears, Drew wrapping his arm around her and staring at me in disappointment. Like he had a right to. Fuck you Drew, you are no one. I just walked past them and straight to my room, not in the mood for this crap.

I had been lying in my bed for a little while thinking about Carlos when my phone rang. It had no caller ID.

"Hello" I answered curiously and still half asleep.

"Hello James" I knew who it was immediately. It was Kelly. But why was she calling me, especially after the argument we had yesterday.

"Kelly?"

"It's Katie". Oh shit. The dinner.

"Crap. I totally forgot about the dinner. Can you put her on so I can apologize, I'll make it up to her." I rambled. I can't believe I forgot, what a shit friend I am.

"She collapsed this morning"

"How bad is it?"

"How soon can you get to the hospital?" And I hung up the phone in absolute horror and just stared up at my ceiling.

"James", my mum knocked on my door. "I still expect you to be at the launch party tonight. I don't care how much your head hurts". And she walked out leaving me in a fit of despair.

**Oooo, cliffhanger. If you want to see what happens next, review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


	6. It's a Wonderful James Pt 2

**And here I give you the final chapter. This took me forever to write because decisions, decisions. Enhoy!**

How could I?

I had snuck out the door to go and see Katie, my mother thinking I was still sulking in my room about having to go tonight. She looked…she looked dead is what she looked. She had machines attached to her, helping her breathe I assumed and I almost collapsed right there next to her. I don't know what kept me from breaking right then and there. I couldn't look at her any longer. I needed to go and see Kelly and find out exactly what happened. So I took off into her office.

"Who are you? Where is Kelly?" I asked the man that was in her office. Why wasn't she in her office?

"Dr Wainwright decided to take some leave, you must be James" she told me. I didn't stay long enough to respond to him. Fuck finding out what happened with Katie it would only hurt more and I didn't deserve to know. I didn't deserve anything except cruel pain and suffering. Not after what I did. This was it. Nobody was going to stop me this time. I ran home to find that mum and Drew had already left to set up for the launch party. Perfect. I quickly scrawled a message on a piece of paper, folded it up and wrote 'for mum' on it. She would read the words tonight when she got home:

_Dear Mum, _

_I have been to a place this dark before. Nearly made the biggest mistake of my life. But what was the mistake? Ever hurting myself in the first place, or not hurting myself enough. I'm sorry. I've been trying so hard to be someone people like, but I can't. I'll always be the same old pointless blob. I will always hurt people. I will always let people down. I'm gonna make sure I don't ever do that again and this is the only way I can. I want you to know that nothing is your fault. I know you only do the things you do because you love me. But I don't think I can love anything as much as I hate myself. Goodbye. _

_James. Xx. _

This was it. My first suicide attempt hadn't felt like this. This felt more final. The first time, and the subsequent time, I knew someone would come and find me. This time, everyone I knew was either at my mother's launch party or in a coma. This time, nobody would find me until I was already dead.

I stepped to the edge of Lancaster Bridge, looking down at the giant drop that would inevitably be my life's end. The bridge was always quiet, most people took the other route around town but today it felt even quieter. I could hear my blood flowing and my deep, slow breaths. One step forward and I would reach my eternal damnation in hell.

And with one slow step, I was falling. I never knew I could fall so slowly. How dying could feel so peaceful. I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. I didn't even feel the drop. I opened my eyes

"Hey". Oh crap. Was that Katie?

"Katie? Are you an angel or something? Did I make it into heaven?" Katie must have died too. Maybe they got something mixed up upstairs and they were just letting me see Katie into heaven.

"You're not dead James. A fisherman was sitting in his boat under the bridge. He pulled you out before you could drown. The drop wasn't high enough for you to die on impact, but there were some serious injuries. You're in a coma. And I am here to tell you that you need to wake up?" she explained.

"What the hell's the point? I did what I did for a reason."

"And you also didn't die for a reason stupid! Everybody needs you James! I NEED YOU!" she yelled at me, tears dripping down her face.

"After what I did to you. How could you possibly need me? How could you possibly want me to stay alive?" I asked her, still feeling an incredible amount of guilt in relation to her current state.

"You're not the reason I am sick James."

"But I'm the reason you got so bad. The reason you're in the hospital. I am nothing but a worthless piece of shit."

"NO! No you are not. He was wrong James!" she yelled at me. He was wrong? Did she mean me?

"I know what he did James. He told you that every time he touched you. Every time he hit you. They're lies James. Your father only believed them because he was sick. And now you're sick and that's why you believe it to. But you are not him! Because _you _can get better. I know you can. I need you to!" Katie had brought me to tears. The root of all my problems had just been discerned by a 14 year old who I wasn't even sure was a figment of my imagination or not.

"If I wake up, right now. Are you okay? Are you in the room with me?" I asked through my tears. How could I go back if she was dead and she really was an angel talking to me? But maybe if she was okay, then I could go back and make it up to her for doing what I did.

"I can't tell you that". I must have looked dejected because Katie continued. "But what I can tell you is that when you wake up, your mum and her boyfriend are sitting on a chair next to your bed, Kelly is sitting over in the corner and Carlos is there right next to you." Katie's image started to fade. I didn't want her to go. I wanted to ask her more questions. I guess this was me deciding whether I woke up or whether I chose to stay like this.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Kelly sitting on the ground her head lolling to the side, her eyes closed. Sitting in the corner, just like Katie said. I looked over to my right and there was my mum, sitting in Drew's lap, also asleep. Drew looked at me and smiled, whispering a "hey son" before grabbing my hand. And for the first time since I had met him, I hadn't minded him calling me son. He loved my mum and I guess that meant he loved me too and that was okay with me. His whisper had woken my mother and she stirred before looking at me and realising that I was in fact awake. She grabbed my hand also and was so speechless, silent tears were falling down her face as she buried her head in Drew's chest while still holding my hand. I had remembered the other thing Katie had said. She had been right about the other three; maybe she was right about Carlos. So with a feeling I couldn't name I turned my head in the opposite direction, not 100% knowing what to expect.

There he was in all his glory. Mouth wide open, slumped in the chair like an animal and was that a bit of drool I saw. I couldn't contain my smile. I heard Kelly giggle slightly. She must have woken up too. I was grateful she was here even if the last time we spoke was her telling me about Katie.

"He's been here the whole time. Your other friends only left a little while ago, the doctors said it were a bit too much having that many people in the room, but nobody could get him to leave." I heard Drew tell me.

"Does he know? Do they know?" I asked. Still astonished that Carlos hadn't awoken. He must be a heavy sleeper.

"Lucy does. She knew it from the moment she saw you. And when she asked us we didn't want to lie. But everyone else just thinks you were in a car accident." My mother answered now that her tears have subsided. My friends still didn't know that I was a grenade that could go off at any second. They had been lied to again. I couldn't keep doing this. I needed to tell them. That could wait until I saw them next. But Carlos was here right now. I couldn't put it off any longer.

"Mum, Drew, Kelly, do you mind if I have a moment alone with Carlos?" They all left the room with knowing smiles. After they had all walked out I looked over at Carlos again. Still asleep. Jeez, you'd think he was the one in the coma. I reached over and grabbed his hand that he had lying on the bed beside me. Squeezing it, I whispered his name. He did nothing but moan in his sleep. So I squeezed harder, as hard as I could, and considering I had just woken up from a coma, it wasn't all that hard. He jumped awake with a jolt.

"James!"

"Hey" I got out before his arms were around me, holding tight. But not too tight.

"Oh my God, I was so scared. I thought I'd lost you. Man, hospitals suck" I inwardly cringed, feeling bad for making him have to come here when I knew how much he hated hospitals because of his brother. I had to tell him. But I was scared. So I may have deflected a little bit.

"How's Javi?"

"He's doing fine you dweeb; it's you I have been worried about"

"How long was I out" The longer I asked questions the longer I could avoid telling him the truth.

"3 days. Sleepyhead. That car must have got you real good. That douchebag just called the ambulance and left you there to die." Mum must have told him it was a hit and run so she wouldn't have to make up a perpetrator. I hated that she had to lie for me. And wait, he has been here for 3 days waiting for me to wake him up. How could I make him wait that long? That deserved the truth. I know it did. But then why was it so hard to say?

"Los. There was no car" He looked at me confused.

"But your mum said…then what…how did you…?

"I did something really dumb"

"What do you mean James?" he looked at me with tears forming in his eyes. Like he had figured it out but didn't want to believe it.

"My mum lied to you because she thought I didn't want anyone to know. And I didn't. But now I realise that you don't deserve to be lied to. None of the gang does and I will tell them too later I just needed to talk to you first and and…"

"James, what the hell is going on" he said with impatience.

"In the Spring, I was admitted to the mental ward of this very hospital. That woman that was in here earlier with my mum and Drew, that's Kelly, or Dr Wainwright, she's my therapist. I was admitted because I was hurting myself. A lot. The reason I am in the hospital now is not because I was hit by a car. It's because I jumped off Lancaster Bridge and stupid me landed on a freaking boat."

"No…why?"

"I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't find a way out."

"Find a way out of what?" he pressed

"Of being me." I finally had told him everything. Well not everything.

"But everybody loves you. I love you. Do you not see that?"

"Not a lot of people in this town, or my father for that matter, think you're worth much when you're a boy that likes boys." Again Carlos looked at me with confusion. C'mon Carlos, it wasn't like I ever acted straight.

"But you don't like guys. You kissed Lucy that night at the party. I saw you."

"Carlos, I was so high that night, I didn't know what I was doing. And Lucy has been my best friend since I was like 4. She's a pretty girl, but she's just that. A girl."

"I kissed a _girl _because of that!" he said incredulously. WHAT? What? What? Why is he so confusing?

"What are you talking about?"

"James, I've known I was gay since I was 12 years old. When I met you, I tried so hard to fight it because I thought you were straight and I knew it was just gonna hurt me if I fell too hard for you. But I couldn't help it. You were just there and so perfect and then I saw you kiss Lucy and god it hurt like hell. So I kissed that girl, I wanted so bad to enjoy it, but there was nothing, just like every other time I've kissed a girl. It just felt uncomfortable, but I was upset and hurting so I just did it". Hold up. Carlos is gay. He's like me. Wait. He likes me. He said he liked me there didn't he? I just stared at him in dumbfounded shock.

"Yeah, so I have a bit of a school girl crush". He outright admitted shyly after his ramble.

"On the psycho" I decided making light of both his crush and my situation was my best bet to make sure I hadn't scared him away with my confession.

"Yes. And the only reason you are _crazy _is because you can't see how beautiful and amazing you are. Fuck what some people in this town think. They should be the ones jumping off bridges, not you. And I know a whole lot of people that would agree with me"

"Oh yeah, who?"

"Your mum, her boyfriend, Lucy, Camille, Kendall, Logan. Loads of people."

"I guess I owe them an explanation too don't I?" I questioned Carlos. I had already made the decision to tell them but I needed someone to tell me it was the right thing to do. That it wasn't going to screw things up.

"It's not my decision who you tell James. But I know that _I'm _glad you told _me._ I think they'd probably feel the same. "He said as he grabbed my face in his hands, looking at me longingly.

"I've been waiting for you to give me some kind of reaction to my confession. Like, can you tell me I'm not your type or something just so I have some indication of what my next move should be" He chided through shy laughter. I laughed in return.

"Yeah, so I have a bit of a school girl crush" I repeated his words from earlier, hoping he would get the idea. Thank heavens above he did. He held his hands in place and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. A feeling I will never forget. The best kiss I had ever had and a feeling I never thought I would get to experience, but finally, thanks to some type of God, it was happening, and Carlos was gay and had a thing for _me. ME! _Of all people.

"Erh hmm" I heard my mother mock cough from behind Carlos. Carlos pulled away in shock apologizing.

"It's okay, I like you. I think you will be a fantastic boyfriend to James. But just remember, he comes with a little bit more than your average teenager". My mother was going to fuck this up for me before it even started. Way to go mum. I looked at her incredulously.

"Don't worry Ms Diamond, he's nothing I can't handle" he spoke to my mother but was looking straight at me with a look of affection I don't think I can ever remember being directed at me by anyone.

"Well I'm glad to hear it. Anyway, your other friends just arrived and are in the waiting room, they want to know if it's okay to come in and see you?"

I thought about it. Was I ready to tell them? I think I was this time. Lucy and Carlos already knew and they still loved me, so why wouldn't everyone else? "Yeah mum, send them in".

They all came in crowding around me with smiles, each of them giving me big hugs and I was happy to see Camille and Logan walk in holding hands. I decided to confess the easier thing first. That I was gay. To which Carlos announced he was also gay and that we are now in fact boyfriends. That confession was quite well received, which eased my nerves about the next one.

"Yes! I told you they were in man love. That's $20 Kendall." I heard Logan. They had been betting that me and Carlos were both gay and into each other. That's scarily accurate considering we had both claimed to be straight.

"Aw man. James, I totally wouldn't have pinned Carlos as your type. I would've thought you like ya know, taller guys, blondes" he said with a smug grin.

"Don't worry Kendall; I still think you're hot." I joked with complete ease and comfort because that's what friends do. And he simply grinned back with a 'damn right I am son'. The mood was light but I knew my next confession wasn't going to end with such happy vibes. Lucy had been staring at me since she got in. I knew she was waiting for me to say something. As much I hated to, I interrupted the laughter.

"There's something else I have to tell you guys" They all stopped their laughter and looked at me expectantly. Carlos grabbed my hand and squeezed tight letting me know it was okay. And I told them. I told them all about the multiple attempts at suicide and my four month stay in hospital. The best part was, they had the same reaction Carlos had. Well, without the kiss. But they reassured me that they loved me and couldn't imagine a world without me in it despite me only being in theirs for a little while. This felt good. I liked this feeling. But then a sudden realisation hit me. Katie.

"Mum. How's Katie doing" I broke the love fest. She looked over at me and I couldn't read the look on her face. Please don't say she's dead mum, please.

"She's still comatose" and there it was. Katie hadn't woken up. She had been asleep a whole day longer than I had and I had trouble coming to. "But she's been showing some improvement with brain activity" the silver lining. I should probably hear all parts of a story before I automatically think the worst. Maybe that's what got me into this mess. But who cares, now I was ready to get myself out of it. With the help of some great friends and a delicious boyfriend.

**Fin. **

**This ending was so frustrating because there was so many options I had and I had never made a final decision about what was going to happen until it was written. I didn't want to make it too much like MMFD, but I originally wanted to have the same big reveal, but I couldn't do that without either making it exactly the same as MMFD or making James have an epiphany and decide not to kill himself on his own, but that's not how suicidal people work 98% of the time and it's my pet peeve when people who have little understanding of mental disorders completely undermine them for the sake of a story and just yeah. I'll shut up, congratulations on making it to the end and thanks J**

**Who knows when Season 2 of MMFD finishes maybe I'll make a sequel. **

**Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat. **


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